So life goes on as it always does. And I move on like I always do. I'm glad Jane told me what she did. It woke me up properly and I know that the time to move on has been long overdue. So I did.
I've learnt a lot about myself through this incident. Some parts that I like and some parts that I dislike. But I am thankful. At least for a few months, I lived happily. Not that I am unhappy now but you know what I mean. I am also glad of this "opportunity" to know more about what I can or cannot give or do.
And so.. I didn't regret what I did. If I have to do it again, I will still choose the same route. Everything happens for a reason, doesn't it? =)
*******************************
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
A Letter To Someone
Dear Someone,
I wish I have the courage and wisdom to send this letter to you. But I know that such courage is not within me. There are so many things that I want to pour out to you. Knowing that my blog is a secret to you, I shall write my letter to you here. Maybe there is a part of me that actually wishes that you will stumble upon my blog one day and read all that I wanted to say to you but never could.
Something has changed these past 2 weeks. There is a strange tension and some awkwardness hanging in the air. I didn't know that actually tension and awkwardness carry a weight. My heart is so heavy, trying to bear it all. I realised that I am not as strong or rational as I always thought that I was. I kept believing that working helps. That being busy at work would take my mind off things and that I will be forced to operate normally. It is rubbish. Though being busy really takes my mind off matters, the heart is not that easily distracted. Yes, I try to function normally. But the dull ache inside me didn't let me forget easily.
My mind is so distracted nowadays. Even sticking to routines can be a problem. Can you believe that I tap my Ez-link card at the lift control panel, walked into my room and switched on the fan before realising that I was in the dark, brushed my teeth twice and many other small incidents that remind me that I am not "normal"?
I wonder what caused the change. Can someone please please please tell me?? Is it because we danced too intimately two Fridays ago? Is it because I said or did something wrong? Is it because I flared up last Friday at you for making me wait the whole day for your answer? Is it because you feel that I have turned needy? Is it because you realised that you don't like me?
Then why said that it is complicated when someone asked you about your feelings for me? Saying that it is complicated means that there is chance that you like me, right? Do you know that I was happy when I heard that reply? These few months, I realised that actually it does not take a lot for you to make me happy.
I wish that I can turn back time. Now, if someone asks me about the happy times I had in the past few months, those happy times still come back to me clearly. My Sentosa stayover when we started smsing back and forth everyday, your smses which start with, "Morning morning!^^ ", the night of the seven dwarves, you showing me your watch collection, our breakfast together, our dinner at Great World before our first trip to Taboo, KL trip, suppers at Al Azhar, me bringing lunch for you at Lau Pat Sat, etc. I wish time had stopped there.
You know, I have tried. I have tried many times to keep my feelings in check and to try to stop liking you. 8 years ago, I succeeded. I, myself, did not expect that 8 years later, I will fall for you again. There were many times when I told myself, "You are not his cup of tea. Don't like him! Nothing good will come out of it!" But every time I tried, the moment we meet, I know that it is useless.
Why am I writing this letter? What is pressing on me most these days is actually our friendship. To me, romance and relationships can take a back seat when it comes to friendship. I don't care if you don't like me romantically. I don't care already. Wait. I do care. But it is just that if I have to choose between relationship and friendship, I choose friendship. I am so afraid, terrified, that me liking you is going to affect our friendship. Can you please, please, please pretend that I have never liked you and we just go back to how we are before? This friendship really matters a lot to me.
This letter is to let you know that there is a girl who likes you very very much. When people ask her why she likes you this much, this girl does not have an answer. She just feel genuinely happy when she is around you. It is the type of happiness that chase away all tiredness, the type of happiness that makes her glow and walk with a spring in her step. I guess this letter is to remind you that, in the future, when you are feeling low or when you meet snags in your new relationship, you used to make a skeptical and rational girl feel like she owns the world by just being who you are.
Let's just be best friends. =)
Sincerely,
Me
*******************************
I wish I have the courage and wisdom to send this letter to you. But I know that such courage is not within me. There are so many things that I want to pour out to you. Knowing that my blog is a secret to you, I shall write my letter to you here. Maybe there is a part of me that actually wishes that you will stumble upon my blog one day and read all that I wanted to say to you but never could.
Something has changed these past 2 weeks. There is a strange tension and some awkwardness hanging in the air. I didn't know that actually tension and awkwardness carry a weight. My heart is so heavy, trying to bear it all. I realised that I am not as strong or rational as I always thought that I was. I kept believing that working helps. That being busy at work would take my mind off things and that I will be forced to operate normally. It is rubbish. Though being busy really takes my mind off matters, the heart is not that easily distracted. Yes, I try to function normally. But the dull ache inside me didn't let me forget easily.
My mind is so distracted nowadays. Even sticking to routines can be a problem. Can you believe that I tap my Ez-link card at the lift control panel, walked into my room and switched on the fan before realising that I was in the dark, brushed my teeth twice and many other small incidents that remind me that I am not "normal"?
I wonder what caused the change. Can someone please please please tell me?? Is it because we danced too intimately two Fridays ago? Is it because I said or did something wrong? Is it because I flared up last Friday at you for making me wait the whole day for your answer? Is it because you feel that I have turned needy? Is it because you realised that you don't like me?
Then why said that it is complicated when someone asked you about your feelings for me? Saying that it is complicated means that there is chance that you like me, right? Do you know that I was happy when I heard that reply? These few months, I realised that actually it does not take a lot for you to make me happy.
I wish that I can turn back time. Now, if someone asks me about the happy times I had in the past few months, those happy times still come back to me clearly. My Sentosa stayover when we started smsing back and forth everyday, your smses which start with, "Morning morning!^^ ", the night of the seven dwarves, you showing me your watch collection, our breakfast together, our dinner at Great World before our first trip to Taboo, KL trip, suppers at Al Azhar, me bringing lunch for you at Lau Pat Sat, etc. I wish time had stopped there.
You know, I have tried. I have tried many times to keep my feelings in check and to try to stop liking you. 8 years ago, I succeeded. I, myself, did not expect that 8 years later, I will fall for you again. There were many times when I told myself, "You are not his cup of tea. Don't like him! Nothing good will come out of it!" But every time I tried, the moment we meet, I know that it is useless.
Why am I writing this letter? What is pressing on me most these days is actually our friendship. To me, romance and relationships can take a back seat when it comes to friendship. I don't care if you don't like me romantically. I don't care already. Wait. I do care. But it is just that if I have to choose between relationship and friendship, I choose friendship. I am so afraid, terrified, that me liking you is going to affect our friendship. Can you please, please, please pretend that I have never liked you and we just go back to how we are before? This friendship really matters a lot to me.
This letter is to let you know that there is a girl who likes you very very much. When people ask her why she likes you this much, this girl does not have an answer. She just feel genuinely happy when she is around you. It is the type of happiness that chase away all tiredness, the type of happiness that makes her glow and walk with a spring in her step. I guess this letter is to remind you that, in the future, when you are feeling low or when you meet snags in your new relationship, you used to make a skeptical and rational girl feel like she owns the world by just being who you are.
Let's just be best friends. =)
Sincerely,
Me
*******************************
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
